


staying close

by kinderorchestra



Category: Number24
Genre: M/M, Major Depressive Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:29:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinderorchestra/pseuds/kinderorchestra
Summary: After a motorcycle accident, Natsusa was badly injured, shook, and could no longer play rugby. During his hospital stay, Seiichirou, his childhood friend, remained by his side and patiently picked up the pieces of his life.
Relationships: Shingyouji Seiichirou/Yuzuki Natsusa
Comments: 7
Kudos: 90
Collections: DANI’S WRITING COMMISSIONS





	staying close

“Don’t you have anything else to do?” Natsusa asked. As usual, on his bed, looking out of the window. His hands were clasped together, fingertips were pressed against each other, playing some kind of game no one understood, when in fact, he was trying to test if he could actually feel his fingers or not.

It was beautiful outside. The blue sky, the sakura trees, the pink petals, all of them were encased nicely by the white frames of the window. Everything looked beautiful. Everything looked so fine that it brought physical pain to him. It was as if the world outside was bright and warm while he stayed in a bleak and cold hospital room.

He absentmindedly tapped a finger over his blanketed right leg. And, honestly, every time he moved, he could feel everything and even when the pain wasn’t all that vivid, even when his fingers were numb, he still felt hurt. Even those scratches across his arms and bruises on his back that already faded always came back to him full force. And he could feel all of his muscles shrunk.

Never had he thought he would find himself staying at the hospital for the longest time. All he did was staying, staring into nothing, trying to remember things, feeling pain, and crying. Ever since he got admitted to the hospital, he couldn’t remember anything that would make him happy. He didn’t even remember what happened back then that made him get sent to the hospital. He didn’t remember what ended everything for him.

Seiichirou was still sitting on the stool right beside the hospital bed, peeling, slicing, and coring the apple in his hand that was brought by their friends yesterday but still untouched. He stared at Natsusa’s face. The other’s face looked worried and tired. It was as if nothing could calm him down anymore.

He noticed that Natsusa had become more and more anxious as the day passed. His face was pale, his eyes were dull, and his lips were chapped. And, still, Seiichirou tried his best to make him happy. Helping him by dabbing his face with a wet towel damped in warm water. He wasn’t even into cosmetics, but a few people recommended him to put some lip balm on Natsusa’s lips, and he did. And the other boy probably also wouldn’t notice that the one he bought for him was pink coloured and cherry flavoured. Guess all of Natsusa’s senses were too numb to notice and understand anything.

Seiichirou sliced a piece of apple for Natsusa and answered, “I’ve done everything I need to do.” He brought the apple close to Natsusa’s lips and waited for the other to open his mouth so he could feed him the apple, but he wouldn’t open them. “And you are more important to me than anything else.”

Natsusa inhaled and took a glance at the sliced apple that Seiichirou was still holding up near his mouth, then he looked at Seiichirou who waited before finally opening his mouth and let Seiichirou feed him. He took the apple in and started to slowly munch it.

It was really painful for him to even move his mouth. And the next slice of apple was left uneaten.

The next minute was spent in silence and it took almost half an hour for Natsusa to get tired. He laid himself down on his bed, difficultly, with a brace around his neck, head still trying to face the window. It was still bright outside, and he still wanted to see the world outside a little longer, yet all he was sleepy. Thinking about it, probably, to be asleep forever was better than anything now.

He closed his eyes slowly, took in a shaky breath. He could feel a hand caressing his hair gently, and a pair of lips that landed on his temple softly. The action somehow brought him a little bit of warmth he missed for the past couple of weeks and his chest felt tight. The back of his eyeballs was warm and, without realising it, tears were leaking out, yet he couldn’t open his eyes. Because the moment he opened his eyes, he would feel pain like the first time all over again.

Slowly, he went into a deep slumber. Seiichirou was still there, watching over him and taking care of him dearly. He practically dedicated his life for him, erasing past fights and mistakes, acting just like how they used to be. Yet here he was, ungrateful and demanding, thinking that his life had gone down from here, not realising that he was dragging his childhood fried along with him.

—

From what Natsusa heard, one of his legs almost got amputated. Everyone around him had tried to get the doctors to work on it and try to keep his legs intact. His neck was broken too. Scratches and bruises here and there. After undergoing a lot of surgeries, the doctor said that he had a hope. Thus, his leg was kept. But it would still take a long time for him to recover.

Sometimes, this condition frustrated him. There would be a time when he felt useless and that he should have just died at the moment when the accident happened. It had been months and he thought that he could never get any better. He could never be the same. So did life.

His mind was full of dark future and he couldn’t imagine anything else.

Outside of this room, there were better lives. There were schools, and jobs, and people, but he just had to be there like a hermit with no plan to go anywhere, no plan for the future.

The window of his hospital room was still framing the beautiful picture of the outside world where he didn’t belong to anymore. Flashes of things that he could do in the future now swirled in his head and made his head pound.

As he thought about all the things that he would miss in this world, he began to break down. Even when his leg was supposed to be okay, it ached. His whole body ached. As if those scars from the accident back then came back on his numb skin. It ached, and he screamed.

When Seiichirou’s hand was holding him, he tried to scoot away and jump down from his bed to run away, but Seiichirou’s hold was firm and he couldn’t escape.

“What’s wrong with the treatment?” Seiichirou had asked as he tried to calm Natsusa down, but it was to no avail. Then he continued, “You can do it. You’ll be better. You’ll be able to do everything as it was after you’re completely healed,” he tried to reassure.

But Natsusa broke down harder. And if he could, he would wreak havoc.

So what if he returned back to ‘normal’? There was no guarantee that he would be able to do what he liked, to be able to play rugby once again, and to be able to make it what he did for a living in the future. Everything was done. It wasn’t for him anymore. He was broken and nothing could heal it.

It had been three months. When he folded his legs and hugged them close to his chest, once again, everything ached. His body was trembling and half of his body felt numb. The doctor said, if he let himself life this way without getting treated, his condition would end up even worse that he already was. He couldn’t help but think that everything would go to waste if he did the treatment. His life was wasted, so no one else could waste their lives on him too.

“Just let me go, Sei,” he said, trembling and not wanting to face his best friend.

But Seiichirou was still there and holding him. He wouldn’t let go. He sat beside him and tried to look at his face, but Natsusa turned his head away, not wanting the other to see how messy he was.

Seiichirou gently pulled him closer and the now weak Natsusa could only follow where that hand led him. He scooted closer and met Seiichirou in the middle. The taller guy enveloped him in a hug and put his head in the crook of his neck. Natsusa inhaled the scent he could pick from Seiichirou that was uniquely him. It took a while for him to calm down, and he was getting there.

“You’re getting stronger day by day,” Seiichirou said. “You’re healing.”

That was a lie. Natsusa was never healing. Instead of getting stronger, he felt weaker. And it honestly made him angry that everyone could see how he progressed but him. Everyone was just trying to be nice and kind to him. To get him to do what they think was best for him.

“It’s slow, but it’s there. You’re getting there,” Seiichirou added.

Even after all of those words that were supposed to make Natsusa surrender and go to his therapy, he didn’t go. He stayed in his room with Seiichirou instead. Seiichirou didn’t force him to do what he didn’t want to do. And honestly Natsusa felt bad.

When Seiichirou got onto his hospital bed with a bag of snacks he brought from home, all Natsusa could do was staring at the other as he set the snacks between them. Seiichirou was sitting cross legged across from him, at the edge of the bed, not looking all that comfortable because he tried to give his injured legs larger space and Natsusa felt bad.

“Let’s just eat some snacks? I hope it will ease you,” Seiichirou said as he opened a pack of rice crackers and offered it to his friend.

Natsusa watched him and stared at the rice crackers that was raised in front of him. He took one and Seiichirou looked strangely grateful at that action. Though Natsusa didn’t really eat it. He licked and sucked the rice cracker’s side, but didn’t go beyond that. The snack was idle over his lower lip as he stared into nothing.

Seiichirou couldn’t help but watch him and waited for any other reaction. He kept his eyes on the other as he put a rice cracker into his mouth. The sound of crushed rice cracker filled the hospital room, and two boys were sitting across from each other, speechless.

But then Natsusa opened his mouth to mutter, “It won’t be the same anymore.”

Seiichirou’s mouth slowed down and then ceased to munch the rice cracker as he waited for Natsusa to speak more.

Still staring into the space, Natsusa continued, “I’ve skipped a lot of things, haven’t I? I’ve missed a lot of things.”

Seiichirou slowly shook his head but it went unseen by the other boy.

Natsusa lifted the other hand that wasn’t holding a rice cracker and tried to fist them, but it was difficult. He tried for a few moments before giving up. He stared at the upturned palm of his hand and sighed. “I won’t be able to play rugby anymore.”

At that, Seiichirou couldn’t disagree. Natsusa really couldn’t become a rugby player anymore with his condition now, with everything that was broken by the motorcycle accident, forcing himself to play rugby again would break him even more. He munched the rest of his rice cracker and gulped before trying to say something that would probably ease the other, but Natsusa interrupted first.

“I can’t even attend classes. Maybe they will expel me. Maybe I can’t even continue my study,” he said.

“They won’t,” Seiichirou said. “You’ll still be able to attend university. You can. You won’t be expelled. It wasn’t your fault that you got into that accident, Natsu.”

Natsusa lifted his head and stared at Seiichirou in the eye. He blinked and seemed to ponder for a moment before lowering his head again and burying his face in the palm of his hands. He was quiet. No movement. His shoulders weren’t even shaking. But Seiichirou knew that he was crying.

Behind the hands, in a muffled voice, vaguely, but Seiichirou could hear clearly, Natsusa said, “But I love rugby.”

There were a few drops of liquid ran down from Natsusa’s palms to his forearms, then to his elbows.

Seiichirou knew. He put a hand on Natsusa’s shoulder and carefully caressed him, trying to soothe him, telling him that it was okay to break down until he had nothing more to be cried over anymore.

It took awhile for Natsusa to finally calm down. Seiichirou had already moved the bag of snacks aside, he already got down from the hospital bed, and Natsusa himself was already laying down. Seiichirou moved to the stool beside the bed and almost sat on it until he saw Natsusa’s blanket that was pooling around his feet. He approached the end of Natsusa’s bed and fixed the blanket, pulling it up to the other boy’s chest, patting it before sitting on the stool for real.

He watched Natsusa who was surprisingly staring at him with an expression he couldn’t read. Seiichirou let out a really tiny smile before it faded. His hand slithered under the blanket to hold Natsusa’s and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I think I want to quit,” Natsusa suddenly said.

Seiichirou looked at him with a questioning look, not really getting what he meant by that.

Natsusa sighed heavily and elaborated, “The rugby.” He finally said it. “I will quit rugby…”

And, not gonna lie, Seiichirou was quite taken aback by his words. He opened his mouth and knitted his eyebrows. Then he refrained himself from saying anything for a whole minute straight.

Natsusa said, “Rugby and I won’t be no match from that day on.”

Honestly, Seiichirou couldn’t do anything but agree to what Natsusa said. There was no way he could still encourage his childhood friend to still play rugby.

“After all,” Natsusa added. He stared at the ceiling and sighed again. “Not everyone gets to live up to their dream. Not everyone makes their dreams come true, right? There are still a lot of things that can be done by a useless person like me.”

“You’re not useless,” Seiichirou spoke up finally. He gritted his teeth. It was true that he couldn’t do what he dreamt to be anymore, but if he saw himself in such a way, Seiichirou couldn’t accept that. “Never say that!” he raised his voice.

If this was their regular day, they would be fighting until the world ended, but Natsusa didn’t reply to what he said. Instead, he was staring at Seiichirou with watery eyes.

Seiichirou continued, “If you quit rugby…” he paused for a while to contemplate. “I will do the same.”

Natsusa seemed surprised by that. Seiichirou could feel Natsusa’s body jolt through their joined hands. Natsusa frowned.

“You can’t do that,” he said. “Don’t quit.”

Seiichirou stared at him for a long time as Natsusa searched his face. He sighed and squeezed Natsusa’s hand again, now harder than before, and let go of his hand.

“There’s no reason for me to stay,” he muttered. “I played rugby because of you. If you aren’t going to be there, I’m not going too.”

Natsusa seemed really upset with what he said. His chest heaved and turned his hands into fists.

“You’re a good player, though,” he said. He remembered the days when they played together during schools. He honestly couldn’t imagine Seiichirou being off the field.

Seiichirou sighed and leaned closer to place a kiss on his temple. Natsusa seemed to be surprised by the action, but he didn’t complain.

“Sleep,” Seiichirou said.

But then Natsusa turned his head to the window of his room and saw the bright blue sky outside. Then he returned to Seiichirou and said, “It’s still bright outside.”

Seiichirou fixed his blanket again. “Nap.”

Hearing that, Natsusa let out a huff of laughter and almost threw his head back. “Why are you forcing me to sleep?”

—

“I’ll be back to the university next year,” Natsusa said.

He had just finished his therapy and was sitting on the bench of the rehab ward of the hospital. Seiichirou was with him, standing beside him and waiting.

When he was about to stand up, he reached out for Seiichirou, raising a hand for him to see. Seiichirou immediately offered his hand for Natsusa to take.

With difficulties, Natsusa tried to get up from his seat. Seiichirou used to instinctively help him up, but Natsusa would get angry if he did that because it wasn’t going to help him heal, so Seiichirou ceased helping him. Instead, he waited until Natsusa was on his feet. Even though it was kind of hurt sustaining the weight forced on his hand.

And every time Natsusa succeeded, Seiichirou always asked, “Done? How do you feel?”

And they walked out from the facility to the lobby of the hospital, hand in hand.

When they were outside, Natsusa stopped and Seiichirou followed suit. He turned around to see Natsusa who was staring at him.

“Where do you wanna go?” Seiichirou asked.

Natsusa seemed to ponder for a while.

And Seiichirou answered for him, “Home?”

Natsusa looked around. It would be such a waste if he went home now. The sky was blue and it was such a good day. There were a lot of kids playing around. Even though summer was getting closer, it was still chilly outside. 

Then he stared at Seiichirou and said, “I don’t wanna go home.”

Seiichirou raised an eyebrow and waited.

“I wanna see you play rugby,” he said.

And as always, Seiichirou gave in. They walked to the nearest field where they could play rugby.

Natsusa could only watch from the sideline, but he was strangely happy. The feeling of watching Seiichirou practicing rugby.

“Why do you want to watch me?” Seiichirou asked as he came closer with a rugby ball in his hand. He was afraid that it would make Natsusa sad. Not being able to play.

Natsusa inhaled and stared at the rugby ball in Seiichirou’s hand. “I want to see.” Then he stared at Seiichirou. “I want to play rugby.”

“But you can’t.”

Natsusa snorted. “I can’t,” he said. “But I’m trying to overcome it.”

Seiichirou raised an eyebrow again. Natsusa told him to practice some more, and he did.

The more Natsusa watched, the more he wanted to play. And it made him sad that he was miserable in the middle of the day.

But as he saw Seiichirou play, he realised that he would still love rugby regardless. He couldn’t detach himself from rugby. He wanted to stay close to the sport.

When Seiichirou finally stopped and walked towards him. He kept looking at Natsusa who was somehow smiling. And it had been months since he last smiled like this. It relieved Seiichirou but also made him wonder.

“What happened?” he asked.

Natsusa shook his head. “No,” he answered. “I’m just determined to do something.”

“What is it?”

Natsusa tried to stand up again and Seiichirou dropped his rugby ball, he immediately ran to his side and helped him to get up.

While trying to stand up, he said, “I want to stay close to rugby.”

“But you can’t play it,” Seiichirou said.

“Being able to watch it is okay. Being the manager of our university’s team is okay too. What do you think about being a rugby commentator?” he asked as he faced Seiichirou who was still staring at him in wonder.

“As long as you don’t run around on the field to play.”

Natsusa smiled and lurched forward to hug his best friend. “Yes. You’re the one who’ll run around on the field.” And made him great before even playing it.

“You love rugby so much.”

“I do,” Natsusa said as he released Seiichirou and moved back.

They stared at each other for a few moments and Natsusa reached for Seiichirou’s hand and took it in his. He looked at Seiichirou and pulled him along. “Now let’s go home?”

Seiichirou looked back and saw the rugby ball he dropped earlier, but he didn’t run back. He followed Natsusa.

He stared at Natsusa’s smaller back and smiled. It had been months since the motorcycle accident happened, and seeing him like this, a little bit brighter and more passionate about living, though sometimes his sadness and depression overtook, a little happiness he exuded made Seiichirou feel glad.


End file.
